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I'm reposting some jokes (from another forum) that may help you feel more smiley. Good preparation for a ride :)

- my sister has a new job but it’s hard to say what she does......

she sells sea shells on the seashore



- I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage...


I lost my case.


- A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything


- What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?


The taste.

- I am reading a book about anti-gravity.

I can't put it down.


- What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

"Make me One with Everything"...

The Buddhist gives him a fifty, and the vendor pockets it.
The Buddhist asks for change, and the vendor replies:
"Change comes from within"...

- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your
kayak and heat it too.

- Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

- Two bald guys put their heads together...

Made an ass of themselves..

- Two elderly ladies were posing on the porch of the nursing home on
picture taking day.

The photographer had all his gear set up and fiddled with one thing and
then the other, peering through the viewfinder often.

The ladies were getting tired of posing and Flossie said to Millie,
"What's taking so long?" Millie replied, "He's trying to focus." Flossie
responded, "Both of us?"

- A husband walks into the house with a beautiful bouquet of flowers, and
the wife says, "I suppose I have to spread my legs now"

To which the husband replies, "I thought you had a vase".

- A magician walked around the corner and turned into bar

- A guy goes to his doctor and tells him "Doc! I feel like a teepee and a
wigwam."

The doctor says "Don't worry, you're just two tents."

- What do you call a dog with no legs?

... it doesn't matter. He ain't coming.


- Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and
says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!"

"Are you sure?" asks the second atom.

To which the first atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"
 

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:D:D:D:D:D:D:D;)

The customer complained about the taste of his coffee at his favorite Restaurant. The waiter replied " What do you mean..it was fresh ground this morning"
 

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Topical one for Rugby fans following the recent World Cup:

What's the difference between a tea bag and the English rugby team?

The tea bag stays longer in the cup...
 

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A woman asked me for a double entendre, so I gave her one.

A friend of mine was attacked by a gang of upholsterers. He's fully recovered now.
 

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Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor?


A: Because she wasn't peel-ing well.

:D
 

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What's rectangular, covered in buttons, and only works occasionally?


T is blo dy key oard.
 

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Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?


Because one more bean would be too farty.
 
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An elderly man remembers the good old days, “When I was young, my mother could send me to a shop with a few coins, and I would bring back 5 pounds of potatoes, 2 loaves, a bottle of milk, a piece of cheese and 10 eggs. Nowadays that’s impossible – there are too many security cameras."
 

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Guy walks into the doctors office and says "doc it hurts when touch here" pressing his knee, "here" pressing his hip "and here" touching his skull. "Whats wrong with me" he asked.
"You broke your finger" said the doctor.
 
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